As I wandered through my mind I felt the tendency to portray myself as a bad person. The worst ever thoughts would cross, as my presence in the lives of the people I love would be a strange punishment for the things they would have done wrong. This because I would infinitely lack in loving people the way they deserve, making them worse off. I had to put these thoughts onto words because I scare myself, why do I feel the need to belittle myself to the point where there is no respect left? Do I feel comfort in portraying myself as a demon? If I think about it a second longer I KNOW there is absolutely no truth in my anxiety. As I have read somewhere people tend to become addicted to their own sadness. This addiction makes it harder to see things as they are at times. I am slowly starting to believe though, that my shortcomings have roots that are not meant to be demonized but appreciated. It exposes inner tension, unrelated to the people around me. Where I feel that I cannot give people what they desire I could bend myself in all kinds of ways to make our relationship satisfactional to them. When my feelings are not aligned with my actions, this bending is an unfair process of destruction focussed on pleasing my ego. They are not worse off in this scenario, I am. I should stop punishing myself for whatever my ego thinks I have done wrong and stop building whatever pride thinks I should prove myself capable of. You can only give love by being love, not by chasing it.