I figured out what it means to do things for myself. Not so surprisingly, doing things for yourself is challenging. It means making time for steps you need to take to achieve your goals. Even though I do not always enjoy it, studying is selfcare. The damned system is designed to make sure you make the most of your abilities. Which is not so bad after all. Loving yourself means giving yourself purpose. It is not a Disney movie, you were not always destined to become someone someday. You have always been destined to do whatever the fuck you want and enjoy in life.
As I wandered through my mind I felt the tendency to portray myself as a bad person. The worst ever thoughts would cross, as my presence in the lives of the people I love would be a strange punishment for the things they would have done wrong. This because I would infinitely lack in loving people the way they deserve, making them worse off. I had to put these thoughts onto words because I scare myself, why do I feel the need to belittle myself to the point where there is no respect left? Do I feel comfort in portraying myself as a demon? If I think about it a second longer I KNOW there is absolutely no truth in my anxiety. As I have read somewhere people tend to become addicted to their own sadness. This addiction makes it harder to see things as they are at times. I am slowly starting to believe though, that my shortcomings have roots that are not meant to be demonized but appreciated. It exposes inner tension, unrelated to the people around me. Where I feel that I cannot give people ...
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