As I wandered through my mind I felt the tendency to portray myself as a bad person. The worst ever thoughts would cross, as my presence in the lives of the people I love would be a strange punishment for the things they would have done wrong. This because I would infinitely lack in loving people the way they deserve, making them worse off. I had to put these thoughts onto words because I scare myself, why do I feel the need to belittle myself to the point where there is no respect left? Do I feel comfort in portraying myself as a demon? If I think about it a second longer I KNOW there is absolutely no truth in my anxiety. As I have read somewhere people tend to become addicted to their own sadness. This addiction makes it harder to see things as they are at times. I am slowly starting to believe though, that my shortcomings have roots that are not meant to be demonized but appreciated. It exposes inner tension, unrelated to the people around me. Where I feel that I cannot give people ...
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I figured out what it means to do things for myself. Not so surprisingly, doing things for yourself is challenging. It means making time for steps you need to take to achieve your goals. Even though I do not always enjoy it, studying is selfcare. The damned system is designed to make sure you make the most of your abilities. Which is not so bad after all. Loving yourself means giving yourself purpose. It is not a Disney movie, you were not always destined to become someone someday. You have always been destined to do whatever the fuck you want and enjoy in life.
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I aspire to be delicate. Gently touching souls, healing emotional wounds with words. Bringing fairness, peace of mind, filling people's life beautiful chaos that feels like order. Where people can roam and be free, love extensivelly, lose pressure. My last memorable friction was when I was asked: Who do you live for, others or yourself? When I stated this for me personally is indeniably intertwined, I received the feedback that this belief would eventually destroy me. It might be, they might be right. I might begin to feel like I am looking at my life through a telescope. Floating somewhere with no end, staring at pointless action in random order. Bring structure they say, make time for yourself they say, it will solve your problems. Maybe I am stubborn but my mind does not feel like a place for structure. I would not even know where to start and I highly doubt it would make me happy, since routine is the thing I dread the most. I would not even know how to do things for myself, if...
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Have you ever found yourself staring at bits of dust floating through sunrays? Waving my hands through the floating pieces made me feel like I was practicing some Avatar magic shit. It made me think about my abilities. I feel creative and feel a constant desire for a means of unleashing my creativity into reality. What is holding me back? Maybe it is the way I truly feel about my Avatar powers, being silly unrealistic distractions from serious things. The serious things being the important ones. While guessing where this strange assumption comes from I strand on a string of thought on how society directs your focus. Too bad I lack the focus to finish this thought. I guess the perception of what is important is not society’s fault anyway. Blaming external factors like a true slave of the system, that must be the distraction from what’s important. Fooling yourself because deep down you know it is up to you. Denying is way easier then accepting your responsibilities to fully chase your de...